


A reach from a gentle hand

by Romolus



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Anxiety, Family Drama, M/M, Romance, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-17
Updated: 2019-04-26
Packaged: 2019-05-24 16:57:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 15,441
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14958503
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Romolus/pseuds/Romolus
Summary: Evan is forgettable, a loser, a freak that can barely hold a conversation without starting to hyperventilate. Once he would desperately reach out for anyone just to notice him and maybe be his friends. But no one has ever given more than a glance his way, so when someone finally reaches out, Evan has a tough time believing it. Especially since that person is Connor Murphy.





	1. Chapter 1

Dear Evan Hansen. That is how the letter starts, and in all honesty, Evan does in fact not know what he wants to write any further. He lets his head rest on his arm as he looks down on the computer screen, screaming inside his head in a desperate attempt to get any idea to how to proceed with the letter. The assignment that he has been given by his therapist. It’s no use, and he is more stressed about the thought of turning up to his therapy session without the letter, than he thought he would be.

Skip forward an hour and he has dropped finishing the assignment in favor of getting to bed, his alarm clock states 22:00 so it is already the time he usually goes to sleep. He will just have to write the letter tomorrow at school. Cause right now, he has zero motivation and absolutely no idea of how to write down his thoughts and what not.

School… Evan takes in a shaky breath and mumbles encouraging words to himself and tries to minimize the knot that has evolved in the base of his throat. He hugs himself tightly with his right hand, he is shaking a bit but not too badly, he has this under control. Yes, this is nothing, come on Evan pull yourself up. He takes in deep breaths and succeeds in making the knot less suffocating. He rubs his eyes and gets up. His legs feel wobbly and the thought of just going to bed without shifting into nightclothes and brushing his teeth are immensely appealing, but he knows it will throw him off tomorrow and things might escalate for the worse, so he walks out to the bathroom to pursue his evening routine.

 The morning is one big rush, everything feels as if it is going 10 times the average speed and Evan has difficulty with keeping up as his mother keeps talking about how this year is going to be better than the last. He wants to believe her, he truly does.

“Maybe you can get one of the other kids to sign your cast. Wouldn’t that be great.” She smiles at him and he gives her an awkward smile again as well as a light laugh.

“Yeah, I- I suppose…” he trails off, looking down at his gray socks and he fidgets with the hem of his baby blue shirt.

“That’s the spirit. Shoot look at the time.” Heidi looks at the clock and hurries out to get her shoes on. She rushes in again to Evan, her shoes half tied, and her bag swung over her left shoulder.

“I am late dear, so you have to walk to school, you can manage that right?” she asks concerned and reaches out to give Evan a hug. Evan let’s her hug him and nods.

“Ye- Yeah no problem mom.” He stutters.

“I’m proud of you already son.” She says and squeezes his shoulder. “I’ll be home late tonight so I have left money on the counter for you to buy some take out. Bye.” She rushes out of the door and the door slams behind her, leaving Evan in a deafening silence that threatens to crush him.

The walk to school is departed into two parts. One is through a little forest route and the other part is through a busy road full of cars and bikes all with people who are either rushing to work or to the high school. The first part is the forest, and Evan adores that part of the walk, especially when he walks home, cause walking through the small patch of forest makes him feel more relaxed as well as content. But the city part, makes him anxious and walking around others makes him feel icky and he honestly feels like he is constantly in the way of others, so that part of the walk makes him jumpy and sometimes takes away his breath. But since his mom can’t drive him and Jared isn’t answering his text, what was he even thinking when texting Jared, god he is such an idiot, but since neither is able to drive him the walk is inevitable. So, he braces himself and walks out of the door.

As he is trying to get his breathing under control, someone slings their arm around his shoulder, Evan jumps and makes a whiny squeak.

“Haha, god damnit Hansen, have you turned into a dog chewing toy or what, what the fuck was that noise you made. Haha.” Mocks Jared. Evan laughs a little himself and fidgets with the hem of his shirt. It is firstly now that Jared seems to notice the cast and his eyes widens. “Dude, what’s up with the cast!? Did you jerk of so much that it actually broke, you pervert.” Jared laughs and shakes Evan a little by the shoulder.

“No- I- I fell out of a tree.” He stammers, then he remembers his mother’s idea and holds out his cast. “Do you wa- want to sign it?”

“That is so lame, are you some sort of acorn?” Jared looks down at the cast and once again up at Evan. “and no, don’t want to think we are actually friends Acorn. You are a family friend that makes sure my parents will keep paying my car insurance and nothing more.” He laughs a little and then runs away from Evan and into the school building.

Evan just stares after Jared for a little while and then shakes himself out of his small trance. They aren’t friends, of course Jared wouldn’t sign Evan’s cast. After all only friends do that, and they aren’t friends. Cause who would want to be friends with Evan the freak. No one. That is the answer. No one want’s to be friends with someone as Evan. That is just how it is, Evan reminds himself and bites down on his lip as slowly starts to make his way into the school building as well.


	2. Chapter 2

The halls were buzzing with people, that they all had their own group of friends was glaringly obvious and for some reason this made the floor more interesting for Evan to look at. He reached his locker and started to insert the password to the lock, silently praying that it was the correct password he had. The numbers were correct, and the locker swings open as Evan exhales a shaky sigh.

 Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Jared approaching someone wearing a dark hoodie and has shoulder length brown hair. The looks on Jared’s face reads trouble, and Jared is probably going to say something dumb. Evan quickly puts his books into the locker and closes it slowly as to make sure that no sound will come from closing it. He glances back at Jared that is now scowling at the other person, and then it clicks. The black nails and the threadbare shoulder bag mixed with the black hoodie. Jared is talking to Connor Murphy. He probably said something dumb. This is bad. Evan’s legs are moving before he knows it. He stops right behind Connor, frozen still. He doesn’t know why he walked over here.

“Well fuck you, freak, it was just a dumb joke.” Jared scoffs and makes his way to class. Without a warning, Connor turns around and Evan makes a surprised eep. Connor stares at him with raw rage, for what feels like an eternity, before pushing Evan to the ground.

“What are you laughing at! You think I am a freak?!” Connor yells as he stands threatingly above Evan. Looking bigger and scarier than someone as tall and lanky should be able to.

“n-no I-“

“Well fuck you, you’re the freak.” He yells and storms off. Evans heart is beating hard and he can feel it in his throat. People are starring. His palms are sweaty. He gets up. It is getting harder to breath. Quickly he gets up, he sways a little but manages to walk at a reasonable pace before almost collapsing into a Toilet stall. His vision gets hazy and he sits down on the cold floor and leans up against the brick wall.

Time seems to pass, Evan looks at the time on his phone and sighs. He missed the first period and is probably also going miss the second, since it started 20 minutes ago, and he is not going join in the middle of class, that is an absolutely no go. He goes to the sink and splashes some water in his face. His face is warm, and the icy water is a bliss, he goes to dry his face with some paper, and already after drying it he finds the heat insufferable, therefor he ends up splashing water in his face once again. This goes on for some time, until he no longer feels the heat and his face looks less red, his eyes are still puffy after the crying, but it isn’t too noticeable, he hopes. He shakes his head and proceeds to the door. But before he reaches it, it swings open and a boy with a black hoodie and messy hair comes in. They collide and falls to the floor. Evan manages not to fall onto his left arm, and further injure his arm.

“Ah shit sor-“ the boy stops, and Evan looks up. He regconise Connor immediately and tries to form a sentence but his mouth feels like a brick and only noise comes out. Connor clears his throat and gets up. He rubs his left elbow and looks away from Evan for a moment.

“Hey, uhm listen, I’m sorry about, you know, the incident and this.” He extends his hand for Evan to take. Evan takes a moment to look at the slim hand before nervously taking it. Connor hauls him up and Evan mutters a quiet thanks. They stay silent for a few seconds before Connor points at Evan’s cast.

“What happened?” He asks, Evan looks up at him, mouth slightly agape.

“ah, uhm I fell ou-out of a tree.” He sputters.

“That got to be saddest thing I have heard.” Conner laughs, but his laugh quickly dies. “So, no one has signed your cast.”

“Yeah, I kno- know.”

“Want me to sign it?” Connor asks bluntly.

“no- no you don’t have to.” Evan says quickly and shakes his head.

“Well I want to. do you have sharpie?” Connor says, and Evan nods and fishes out a sharpie from his backpack.  Connor takes it and their hands touches for a brief moment, but long enough for Evan to notice that Connor’s hand is warm in comparison to his own cold hand. Connor writes his name in big letters on Evan’s cast.

“There you go.” Connor exclaims and returns the sharpie to Evan.

“Thanks.” Evan mumbles while looking down on his shoes.

“Now we can both pretend that we have friends.” Connor jabs and then turns around to exit the toilet. He is leaving, Evan thinks, and then you will be invisible again. No. Evan takes a grib around Connor’s left arm.

“What i-if I don’t want to pretend.” He splutters. Connor seems to freeze for a second and Evan quickly releases his grip around Connor’s arm. “I mean, uhm. Doyouwanttobemyfrienditisokayifyoudontwantto.” He rushes it out and takes in a deep breath.

“I caught about zero percent of what you just said.” Connor states.

“Do you want to be friends?” Evan repeats as slowly as he musters. He stares at Connor and starts doubting his request. It is not normal to ask someone this, that is not how you make friends, he scolds himself.

“Sure, why the fuck not.” Connor answers and shrugs, his mouth is tilted slightly into a smile. “What is your number?”

“M- My num-number?”

“Yes. Your number, I am pretty sure that when you are friends you exchange numbers.” Connor states crossing his arms.

“Oh, yes, yes of course.” Evan gives Connor his number quickly and Connor nods.

“Great, I’ll send you a message, so you will also have my number, so uhm see ya I guess.” Conner then leaves, and Evan is left behind in the toilet, wide eyed and with his mobile clutched to his chest. Connor has blue eyes, huh, who would have thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here is the second chapter, and to be quite honest then I am pretty glad with how it turned out. I hope you enjoyed it and thanks for reading.   
> -Romolus


	3. Chapter 3

Evan was in a daze for the rest of the day after his encounter with Connor in the toilet. He had a friend, and not just a family friend like Jared that denies Evan’s existent and states that their relationship is only due to Jared’s need of a car insurance from his parents. No. This time, for the first time, Evan finally has a real friend. He smiles to himself as he gazes out into the air in Math class. He is fidgeting with his pencil and he knows that he should pay attention, school is important, but he just cannot seem to focus. Wonder why. The bell chimes, and simultaneously people packs their books and rushes out of the classroom so that they can have as much free time before tomorrow where school once again starts. Evan slowly collects his things and patiently wait for everyone to have exited the classroom, before he gets up himself.

As he walks in the nearly empty hallway, he gets cornered by non-other than Jared. The sneer on Jared’s face is enough to break Evan’s small bubble.

“Are you replacing me Acorn? And with not just with anyone, but with the school’s maniac?!” Jared scowls and crosses his arms over his chest.

“What d-do you mean?” Evan laughs nervously. His palms are starting to become sweaty and clammy.

“You know what I mean Hansen. Why am I hearing that you are hanging around with Connor Murphy?” Jared says and takes a step towards Evan.

“He-“ Evan doesn’t get to finish.

“You know, I thought it was some bullshit at first, like, little anxious Evan Hansen hanging out with psycho Murphy? Yeah right. But now I see you walking around with a stupid grin on your face.” Jared says and in a tone that sounds oddly a lot like a parent scolding a child. When Evan fails to answer a silence gets created between them. Evan starts toying with the end of his cast which has a flap. Jared’s eyes lands on it for the first time.

“You got to be kidding me.” He laughs but the scowl on his face is still prominent. “Are you guys like best friends? Are you fucking him? Huh, you like that dumb school shooter chic style he h-“

“Hey Evan.” A firm hand lays down on Evan’s shoulder. Connor search for Evan’s eyes, but Evan is still looking down.

“Hey.” He mumbles and shuffles a bit with his shoes, desperately trying not to choke on the sob that has been stuck in his throat.

“Why the fuck was you yelling at him, Kleinman?” Connor sneers and squeezes Evan’s shoulder to reassure the panicking boy.

“Like you care.” Jared scorns, and leaves after sending a nasty look in Evan’s direction. Evan has now started shaking and it is glaringly clear for him that people are starring at them after the scene Jared made. He needs to get out. He can’t breathe. There is no air. It is too warm.

“Evan.” Connor shakes his shoulder lightly, but he fails at getting any contact. “Hey, look at me.” When Evan still doesn’t response, Connor makes a swift decision and guides Evan out of the school building and out to the parking lot. Quickly he finds the keys to his car and unlocks so Evan can get in.

Evan’s breathing hard and his hands are shaking uncontrollable, as tears streams down his face. Connor rubs his hand in circular motions on Evan’s back in an attempt at calming the other boy down. Minutes goes by as they sit there. Evan hyperventilating and crying while Connor talks reassuringly and calmly to him while rubbing his back. As soon as Evan gets his breathing under control he turns to look at Connor.

“Sorry, uhm about that.” He mutters and quickly looks away before turning his attention back to Connor.

“Sorry for what?” Connor asks. “Sorry for that little shit Kleinman being absolute garbage to you?”

“No, I- I didn’t want you to see i-it, uhm, me like this.” Evan indicates himself with his arms.

“Well shit Hansen, kind of difficult to ignorer you when you start to freak out in the middle of the hallway.” Connor states, and leans back in his car seat.

“God, I really did freak out. That was so dumb.” Evan hides his face in his hands.

“Well it happened. So.” Connor trails off, not really knowing what he wanted to say.

Connor ends up driving Evan home, not wanting to subject the boy to more stress and being around Connor is only asking for a stressful experience. They way good bye and Connor drives home.  Evan stands on the porch of his house, looking after Connor’s car as it slowly disappears. And not before it is completely gone does he walk into the house.

His legs are like soft rubber and his eyes are itching after all the crying and he most of all just want to sleep and just not go to school tomorrow. People will probably be gossiping about him and Jared’s encounter and worst of all Evan just reassured peoples’ belief about him being pathetic, nothing has changed over the summer. Well except he has a broken arm now, but that will soon change as well. He sighs and rolls on to his back and just looks up at the ceiling where plastic stars that glow in the dark are plastered on. He starts counting them out of habit, but one can only count the same stars so many times and Evan starts to feel the hunger gnawing at him. So he gets up and walks down to the kitchen. It then hits him. He is supposed to order take out. No. Evan just walks straight up to his room and shuts the door. He cannot order take out now. Just the thought of doing so ties tight knot in his stomach. He lays down unto his stomach and pulls his blanket over himself and attempts to fall asleep. And he almost succeeds when he hears the front door unlock and open.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was the third chapter, I hope it was enjoyable and thanks for reading.  
> -Romolus


	4. Chapter 4

The door is smacked closed rather loudly and the sound of it breaks Evan out of his sleep dazed mind. Mom usually never slams the door, she knows that Evan is at sleep at this time. He gets out of bed, with the thought in mind of going down to check on his mom, but before he gets to the door, he stops. What if it is not his mom. What if someone found the key outside on the porch. Is he going to killed. Oh god he is going to be murdered. Evan takes a shaky breath and slowly makes his way back to his bed. He sits down on it and stares intensely at the door, everything but the door gets blurred and every sound is magnified. The angry steps that are making their way to the living room but then approaches Evan’s room. Maybe they’ll pass Evan’s room and just take what they want and leave. His hope is shattered like a glass thrown to the floor, as the door to his room are swung open. It flashes white in front of his eyes.

“Evan get up, it is just me. Jared. You know me.” Jared shakes Evan’s shoulder, and the other boy seems to wake up from his stock-still form.

“Ja-jared?” Evan stutters.

” Yes.” Jared confirms and nods.

“What a-are you doing here?” Evan asks and rubs his left arm

“I am here to tell you that I am pissed and that I think it was fair enough, but I am sorry for leaving you with Connor at school after talking with you. So yeah.” Jared says and crosses his arms while looking away from Evan.

“It is okay.” Evan sighs and smiles weakly.

“I’m still pissed and don’t expect any rides to school from me. And fuck you Evan.” Jared chokes out and storms out.

Evan stares after Jared and can’t help but shudder and hugging himself. In his mind he knows that he shouldn’t have to feel like this. Jared was the one being a jerk but why does it feel like he is under water and his lungs are screaming for air but there is nothing than water that floods his lungs. He lays down on the bed gradually and hugs his pillow. Nibbling a little on its corner like he has done so many times before. Jared hasn’t even driven him to school since they were in first year of highs cool, at some point he just stopped, and said it was because it was too stressful to pick up Evan. Although Evan had a feeling that it was more than what Jared said, but he didn’t push it. Cause in the end, it is Jared’s car and his choice about whenever to drive Evan or not.

Evan goes to the front door and locks it and then proceeds to turn off all the lights in the house. He closes his door, and sighs. He just wants sleep now. More so than ever. But his mind is raging with thoughts about Jared, school, his mom and… Connor Murphy. Connor, that stayed with him through an anxiety attack and actually helped him. A warm feeling is spreading in Evan’s chest and a small smile is plastered on to his face. Is this the feeling you get when you have a friend?

It is early, extremely early, when Evan awakens from his night sleep. To be precise it is 5 o’clock in the morning and Evan’s eyes feels like they are on fire but now that he is awake he knows that it will be impossible to once again fall asleep. He rubs his eyes and sits up in his bed. His hair is a mess, and his mouth tastes weird, like cobber. Therefore, he decides to brush his teeth before doing anything else. After brushing his teeth he looks at his phone for a few minutes and notices that he has a unread message. He opens it and is met with a short text.

_Unknown: Hey, this is Connor._

Evan smiles a little before answering the message.

_Evan: Good morning Connor! :)_

Smileys always seems to brighten up messages, at least in Evan’s opinion, and they make sure that the message isn’t read as passive aggressive or in any negative way, well it could but hopefully Connor want take the message the wrong way.

Down in the kitchen it is quiet, and Evan finds some cornflakes from the cupboard and some milk to then starts eating his breakfast in content. When his mom finally comes down in a rush, Evan has relocated and are now sitting in the living room watching a documentary on the rainforest called Amazonas.  She goes over to him and gives his shoulder a light squeeze.

“Good morning sweetie.” She says and plumbs down beside him on the sofa.

“Morning mom.” He mumbles, his eyes still focused on the screen. Heidi smiles, she then notices the name scribbled unto Evan’s cast.

“Who is Connor?” she asks, her smile has now turned into a sly smirk.

“uhm, he is someone from school. A friend.” Evan answers and he looks at his cast himself and lets his right-hand travel over the letters and feels the rough surface of the plaster.

“I am proud of you Evan.” Heidi says and gives him a quick hug. “I need to get ready for work now, but I want to hear more about your friend when I get home later tonight.” She says.

“Wait, do-don’t you have class tonight?” Evan questions and turns around to look at his mom. Heidi shakes her head and laughs.

“No, luckily for us my class has been cancelled today. So, I’ll see you tonight sweetie.” She pulls her hair up in a ponytail, to then hurry out to take her shoes on, and before Evan gets to say goodbye she is out of the door.

His phone buzzes and he looks down to see a message from Connor.

_Connor: Morning Evan._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is more slow than the others but do mind it that after this the story will get quicker, in a sense, if that makes any kind of sense.  
> -Romolus


	5. Chapter 5

Evan was buzzing. Like literally buzzing. It was nearly impossible to sit still in class, his foot kept tapping the floor lightly, so not to make too much noise. Weirdly enough, he didn’t feel exposed, when walking down the hallway, there was none of the usual fast heart beating nor cold sweaty hands, nope just cold hands like if he was home in is room. Dare he say he felt good? Yes, he definitely felt good, and it may have something to do with writing with Connor in between classes and that he was now headed outside to the parking lot to meet up with Connor.

“Hey Evan!” Connor waves him over to his car. The smaller boy of the two is smiling and he almost seem to glow, with his blue shirt and sandy blond hair that reflected the sun. Connor managed to smile back, without it looking like a sneer.

“Hello Connor.” Evan beams and fiddles a bit with the hem of his shirt.

“So, I was thinking we might go somewhere and hang out, like friends do.” Connor states and puts his hands into the pockets of his black hoodie.

“That’s sounds great.” Evan says but then he burrows his eyebrows. “But where should we go?” Connor looks at the ground and then up at the sky, while weighing the options. He turns to Evan when he is decided.

“Zoe is at band practice and my mom and Larry won’t be home until later, so I guess we could go to my place? If that’s okay.”

“Sure!” Evan exclaims loudly and then quickly covers his mouth. “Sure, that sounds good.” He says more quietly, Connor nods and goes to sit in the car. Evan follows and they both get in and are driving away from the school.

The drive to Connor’s house is quiet, but not a completely uncomfortable silence, more like a slightly awkward one. Although Evan seems like he is about to burst any minute, although it doesn’t look like anxiety. Maybe excitement? Connor wonders.

Connor is humming, and Evan isn’t quite sure if Connor himself is aware of this or if he is doing it unintentional. But it’s neat to listen to. Yeah, neat. Despite Connor just humming, his voice still keeps that snarky tone and it just screams Connor in a way, but despite it sounding like that the melody Connor is humming is quite sweet? If you can call it that.

“Like what your seeing?” Connor laughs. And suddenly Evan is aware that he has been starring at Connor.

“Uh, uhm, I” he mumbles and his whole face goes red and he looks away.

“It’s alright.” Connor says, his eyes still focused on the road ahead.

“What song were you humming just now?” Evan asks quickly.

“oh uhm, its uh the song or I guess its more of a melody, but its from the lord of the rings, and its called concerning hobbit.”

“Oh, I haven’t watched those, but the melody was nice.” Evan answers.

“Wait, What!” Connor turns to him quickly his face being the definition of disbelief. “You haven’t watched lord of the rings! How can- “

“Connor! Focus on the road!” Evan yells, his eyes wide and glassy, Connor turns his gaze back to the road.

“I mean, who hasn’t watched the lord of the rings in our time and age, it is the greatest fantasy creation to be made into a movie.” Connor rambles, his voice sounding high and whiny.

“uhm, I don’t know. I just never got around to watch it.” Evan says.

“Never got around. Evan this is unacceptable. We are gonna change this, as soon as we get to my place, we are watching the first one.” States Connor and Evan just nods.   

It isn’t long before they reach the Murphy’s resident and the two boys gets out of the car and makes there way into the house. After stepping in Evan can’t help but look in awe at house.

“It’s so big.” He mumbles.

“yeah, I guess. Still feels suffocating most of the time.” Connor growls.

“oh sorry.” Evan says, “But how come you thought we should hang out here, we could have gone somewhere else if you don’t feel comfortable.” Evan rambles as they get into Connor’s room. And Evan doesn’t get an answer. The room they are standing, has bright white walls and around the room clothes lays scattered and the desk is filled with art supplies. Some of the walls has small motives painted on them in assorted colors. Evan spots a tree that has been painted in green and blue colors, he goes over to inspect it further.

“Wow.” He exhales.

“So, you like trees?” Connor asks, half joking.

“Yeah, I love trees, like they are pretty amazing when you stop to think about it. They make sure that we can breathe and then some of them also makes sure wild animals have a home.”

“Okay, this is so bizarre.” Connor exclaims. “You are just like Tolkien, yes, a carbon copy when it comes to your love for trees, but you haven’t read the lord of the rings? Like what, that is just weird.” Connor laughs, and falls unto his bed.

“It isn’t that weird, like I just share the same hobby as an author that I haven’t read a book of. That isn’t bizarre.” Evan defends himself.

“No, you don’t get it. Like Tolkien is known for his book and love of trees and other plants. He is the father of fantasy books.” Connor points at Evan and then at the ceiling while he is laying down. “And you need to watch the movies so let’s get to that. Connor signals to Evan to sit on the bed while Connor himself finds his computer and a DVD. They both lean back on pillows that have been stacked up against the wall. Their shoulder squeezed against each other, a fact that Evan is hyper aware of. Then the movie starts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There we go, the fifth chapter. I hope you enjoyed this chapter and thanks for reading!  
> -Romolus


	6. Chapter 6

Evan wouldn’t call himself delicate when it comes to movies that tend to be violent, but as Frodo gets stabbed by that ghost king. Evan shudders and unconsciously grip around Connor’s arm and squeezes it as the scene progress and then later turns into the chase scene. Connor smiles at the sight before him, the movie forgotten for a second, as he feels Evan’s grip around his arm while Evan is consumed by what is happening on the computer screen. Seems like it was just the movie for Evan, Connor thinks, and then turns back to watching the movie.

Connor shuts off the computer as soon as the credits starts rolling. He looks at the time on his phone, it has gotten pretty late and it won’t be long before his parents gets home.

“Evan would you be up for going out for a bit?”

“Uh no I- sure we ca-can go out.” Evan answers and follows Connor as the other boy gets up and walks out to the car. When they sit down in the car Connor instantly relaxes as shown by his shoulders getting lax and him letting out a loud sigh. Evan observes him as he turns on the car and start driving.

“Connor you’re dr- “

“I am what Evan!” Connor snaps and speeds up.

“You-you’re driv-“ Evans voice hitches and he grabs hard unto his seat looking forward at the road with wide eyes. Connor snaps out of it like some wake up from a nightmare, with a gasp and ragged breaths. He slows down instantly.

“Sorry Evan.” He mumbles and stops the car on a grass patch beside the road. He falls back in his seat, hiding his face in his hands

“I-it’s okay.” Evan assures.

“No, it isn’t.” Connor sneers, his eyes shift to Evan. “I am sorry. I shouldn’t have yelled at you.”

 “I suppose not, but i-it is over no-now.” Evan says, while drying off his sweaty palms in is pants.

“Can we, like, just stay here for some time?” Connor asks.

“Su- sure, I do-don’t have to g-get home before la-later.”

“Great.” Connor sighs.

Connor just sits quietly in his seat, starring out of his window, and under normal circumstances Evan would have loved the silence, but it is different this time. This silence is missing the peace. So Evan as response to this silence turns on the radio, he fumbles a little bit with it in the begging but eventually he gets it turned on and makes it play the cd that are currently in the radio. The song that starts playing is definitely of the rock genre with the drums playing hard along with the guitar and the lead singers raspy voice. They sit peacefully and listens to a few songs before Connor breaks the silence.

“So, did you like the movie?”

“uhm, yeah, it was am-amazing, especially the shire. It was beautiful, and I really liked the subplot with the romance between Aragon and that elf woman.”

“You mean Arwen?” Connor makes a sly smile.

“Yes! Exactly! I liked it a lot.” Beams Evan and smiles.

“That is good, and I am glad you liked the movie, because that makes it way easier to make you watch the second.”

“Awesome.” Evan says oblivious to the indication of Connor having to force him to watch all the movies.

“Do you want to get some ice cream? I don’t think they have closed the shop down on the corner there yet.”

“I- uhm, do- don’t have my wallet with m- me.” Evan scrambles.

“That’s alright, I give this time.” Connor states nonchalant and gets out of the car. Evan is quick to follow and as soon as he steps out he is hit by the smell of fresh dug.  

“So what kind of flavor do you want.” Connor asks while they walk on the side walk, Evan is scuttling beside him.

“oh, I dunno.”

“You got to have a favorite flavor of icecream.” Connor says and tabs Evan lightly on the shoulder.

“I guess, uhm cocoa?” Evan answers scratching the back of his head.

“Cocoa it is then.” They reach the small ice cream shop and Connor points in the direction of a table and tells Evan to go sit there while he will get the ice cream. Evan complies and goes to sit at the table. It is quite deserted, no one seems to be here except Connor and Evan, as well as those that work in the shop. Which is pretty neat, Evan can feel himself feeling content. He sits down on the chair and crosses his leg. He then sees Connor come over with two ice creams, one in each hand.

“There you go sir.” Connor says and plumbs down on the other chair, he then gives Evan his ice cream. “Cocoa as the good sir ordered.”

“Tha-thanks Connor.” Evan says and admires the ice cream with glee. And he is not disappointed by the taste of the cocoa flavored ice cream, not one bit. “God, it’s so good.” He moans.

“Glad you like it.” Connor smiles and bites into his own ice cream that is green.

“What flavor did you get?”

“Pistachio.” Connor hums.

“Is it good?” Evan asks, and his attention is driven from his ice cream to Connor.

“Yup, the best if you ask me, you want a bite?” Connor extends his ice cream, so Evan can taste it.

“Uh, are you sure?”

“Yeah, maybe I can widen your ice cream horizon.” Connor jokes.  

“Oh, okay then.” Evan leans a little forward and takes a small bite of Connor’s ice cream. “Wow.” He says and looks back up on Connor. “That tastes abso-absolutely amazing!” Evan exclaims and smile bright as sunlight paints his face.

“Guess that is what we get for you next time.”

“Yeah.” Evan muses and leans back in his chair.

They finish up eating their ice cream and then they go back to the car. They decide that Evan should get home and Connor asks for his address, so he can drive him. The drive is filled with jokes and talks about elves and hobbits. It almost seems too short as they turn up to Evan’s driveway.

“So, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow?” Connor says and Evan nods.

“Yeah, see you tomorrow.” Evan smiles and is just about to turn around so he could exit the vehicle, when he is pulled into a hug. He is taken by surprise but quickly melts into the embrace and hugs back. He can smell a faint scent of ice cream and damp grass on Connor.

“See you tomorrow Evan.” Connor mumbles into Evan’s shoulder.

“Goodnight Connor.” Evan says, and he exits the car.

“Goodnight.” Connor replies and waves as he drives away.

As Evan goes to bed that night, the only thought on his mind is, that Connor Murphy is weirdly huggable.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was chapter number six and quite honestly then I am pretty happy about how it turned out. Also thanks to all of you who has left all those nice comments, I really appreciate them.  
> -Romolus


	7. Chapter 7

It had now been a week and a half since Evan and Connor started to consider themselves friends and things were looking up, or at least Evan thought so, he wasn’t sure about Connor. He hoped, and if anything, then the hugs and ice cream outings should mean they are at least associates in Connor’s opinion. Weirdly enough the thought of only being an associate with Connor makes Evan’s stomach twist, it might be because Connor is the only real friend Evan has since Jared now doesn’t even approach him and has stopped insisting that they are even just family friends.

Evan shifts his back unto his other shoulder as he nears his small corner between two lockers where he usually ate when Jared didn’t want to eat lunch with him. As Jared put it, “you’re stammering makes the eating unappetizing.” But now he sits there only to wait for Connor. He leans on the rough brick wall. He sighs as he lets himself slide down to the floor and looks around him. The halls are somewhat deserted, and it makes this peaceful silence that is so loud that it pleases Evan’s ears like was it music. And like music it slowly lulls him into sleep. A sleep he is abruptly awaken from by a locker smacking close. His heart beats loudly in his chest for a few moments before his body finally registers that there is no immediate danger.

“What are you looking so scared of bambi?” Connor says and leans up against the wall beside Evan.

“Ba- bambi?” Evan questions and looks at Connor with a raised eyebrow.

“Yeah, you know, the little deer kid from that Disney movie.” Connor says and shrugs.

“I kn-know who Ba-bambi is, but why ca-call me it?”

“Uhm, well you kinda looked frightened and you reminded me of it.”

“Oh.”

“Wanna go outside and eat?”

“su-sure.”

They both get up and exits the school building. They end up sitting in Connor’s car due to the fact that none of the benches outside is free. Not that Evan minds sitting in Connor’s car, it smells like smoke and licorice, which makes Evan suspect that Connor is hiding some licorice somewhere in the car.

“You’re no-not gonna ea-eat?” Evan asks as he finds his own lunch from his bag.

“Nah, not hungry.” Connor states. Evan frowns and then takes granola bar and throws it at Connor, who catches it.

“You ne-need to eat.” Evan says and takes a bite of his able.

“But I am not hungry, it would be a waste of food to eat.” Connor states and throws the granola bar back at Evan. Evan just throws it back at him again.

“Eat.” Is the only thing Evan says before munching on his apple again.

“No.” Connor throws it back and looks out of the window.

“Connor.” Evan whines. “You need to eat.”

“Not when I’m not hungry.”

“Yes. Even when you’re not hungry.” Evan exclaims and throws the granola bar at Connor again, but this time with more force than participated and it hits Connor in the back of his head.

“Auch.” Connor exclaims, his hand going up to touch the place the granola bar hit, he turns to look at Evan with a stoic face.

“Oh g-god, I am so-sorry Con-connor.”

“You throw pretty hard for a guy who looks like a stick figure.” Connor laughs, and picks up the bar. “You promise not to hit me with any other food object if I eat this.” Connor asks and waves the bar in the air. Evan nods. “Alright then.” Connor opens it and breaks it into pieces to then afterwards eat one at a time. Evan stares at him for a bit before going back to eating his own able.

After eating their lunch, there is only ten minutes for the next class, and Evan is starting to prepare himself on going back into the school building. He is just about ready when Connor puts a hand on his shoulder and stops him from going out of the car.

“So, I am not really feeling like going in again.” Connor mumbles. “Wanna skip class?”

“Connor, I ca-cannot skip class, what if some-someone notices and the scho-school calls my mo-mom.” Evan utters hectically.

“No one is gonna notice that you skip, you’re practically invisible Evan.” Connor says nonchalant and crosses his arms. Invisible? Would no one really notice. Evan hugs his stomach and looks down on his feet. Connor seems to notice the other boys distress and then hits himself on the forehead. “Shit, Evan, I didn’t mean it like that.”

“Then what did you mean.” Evan chokes out. Connor looks with wide eyes on him and opens his mouth as if to say something but stops and lays a hand on Evan’s back.

“I dunno. I am sorry. It was uncalled for.” Connor sighs. Evan is fighting to keep back the tears. Stop it you idiot, he already said sorry, Evan berates himself.

“It is okay.” He mumbles and sits up straight. “It ju-just caught m-me off guard.”

“I’m so sorry Evan.” Connor says, unable to say anything else.

“It is ok-okay Con.” Evan states and turns to him, “You kn-know, I do not really fe-feel like go-going in again.”

“You wanna skip?” Connor asks softly. Evan nods. “Well alright then.” Connor mumbles and starts the engine, before long they have left the high school behind them.

“Where a-are we going?” Evan asks and looks over at Connor, who has his hair pulled up in a small ponytail. Connor shrugs.

“You’ll see.”

Evan doesn’t reply to that and just resumes to look out of his window, feeling a bit weight down and tired after this day’s ordeals. He must have fallen asleep cause when the car finally stops he has no idea of how they got from the cityscape to a forest. A small smile plays on Connor’s lips as he gazes at Evan who visibly relaxes at the sight of the green forest. There really is fewer thing in this world that are as pure as Evan’s excitement.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about not updating on time, but work had me a bit worn out so I simply didn't have the energy to write that much yesterday. Also thanks to all of you that left kudos and those sweet comments on the last chapter, your reactions to what I write really makes me smile. But anyway here is the 7th chapter, I hope you liked it and thanks for reading.  
> -Romolus


	8. Chapter 8

“Has anyone ever told you that you are extremely adorable?” Connor wonders out loud, and Evan turns to him with a surprised look on his face, his eyes being shone on by the sun making them lighter blue than usual, almost as pale as Connor’s own. “I said that out loud.” Connor realizes, and his eyes widens, mouth slightly agape. Evan nods and giggles. He fucking giggles, like holy shit, Connor rants and his whole face goes red.

“Are you okay Connor?”

“uhm, why wouldn’t I be okay?”

“Your face is all red.”

“Great observation there dear Hansen.” Connor mumbles sarcastically and looks the other way. “please go down to that clearing, I need to cool my head.”

“Oh okay.” Evan says and looks uncertainty at Connor before slowly making his way to the clearing. Connor stares at the other boys back as he walks. He grabs his hair in both of his hands and crouches.

Have you ever, looked at someone and your heart just starts beating so loud that you are scared the other person will hear. So loud that you feel like your ears are gonna explode from the inside and that your chest will break in order to free your heart from your constricted form. Connor has looked at someone and felt this, once or twice and now the for the third time and he feels as if he might faint on the spot. Black dots where already materializing in the corner of his eyes.

“Deep breaths, deep breaths.” Connor mumbles, before abruptly standing up and joining Evan by the clearing.

“How did you know of this place?” Evan asks as he is intercepting a tree.

“My parents took me and Zoe here when we were younger. This place has nice memories attached to it.” Connor trails off, Evan looks to the ground.

“That’s ni-nice.” He stumbles over his words, doubting anything could be the right thing to say.

“I guess.” Connor shrugs his mouth twisted in a scowl, he starts to walk back to the car. Evan gazes at the disappearing figure in a long time, before he starts to follow.

 

Connor hasn’t started the engine and it has been twenty minutes since they sat down in the car. The atmosphere is heavy and the bright summer sun baking down on them is making the air warm and uncomfortable in the car. Evan can feel his back sweating and his hands are getting icky and hot to the point it aches.

“Con-“

“EVAN! Please just be quiet.” Connor seethes out of his clenched teeth. Evan jumps a little at the outburst. Connor takes some deep breaths and brushes his hair out of his face.

“You didn’t need to yell.”

“Sorry!” Connor says and turns to Evan. “I am sorry okay. I just, ahh. I dunno. I get so fucking angry and I take it out on others, sorry.” Connor hides his face in his hands.

“It is ok-okay, I accept your apology.”

“Thanks Evan.” Connor sighs and lets his forehead rest on the steering wheel. “Let’s get you home.” Connor starts the engine.

 

As Connor parks the car in Evans driveway, Evan turns to him. Fumbling with his hands, sweating and looking frantically around.

“Spill it hobbit.” Connor says softly.

“M-my mom isn’t gonna be ho-home till late, so.” He stops before taking a deep breath. “Doyouwannastayandeatdinnerandwatchamovieonlyifyouwantto.” Connor chuckles.

“I didn’t get a word out of that, but I did get the meaning. So sure.” Connor smiles and they both get out of the car, the sound of Connor locking the car makes Evan smile, in a way that sound, reassures him that Connor is at least going to stay for a while.

 

“Wow.” Connor says as he steps into Evan’s room. “You really are organized.”

“Yeah, I can-cannot take mess, makes it ea-easier for du-dust to lay.”

“Oh, yeah you’re right.” Connor states and sits down on Evan’s neatly made bed with gray bedsheets. Evan stands a little bit stiffly in the middle of the small room.

“Random question how come you got the exact same glow in the dark plastic stars on your ceiling as I do?” Connor exclaims and indicates with large arm movements at the ceiling. “Like what a coincidence.” Evan is slightly doubting that that might be sarcastic, but he isn’t sure.

“I liked stars wh-when I was younger, I st-still do.” Evan says, slowly making his way to Connors side by the bed. He plumbs down beside the taller boy and looks up at the ceiling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, sorry about the short chapter and the long wait, I have been busy with work and have simply put not really had the energy. Sadly this might continue for the next two weeks where I probably won't be able to post at all, due to traveling and no internet. But I will come back and hopefully get back to updating this story more often and I promise I will not drop it. Thank you for all of the sweet comments and the kudos, I love seeing that I am able to write something enjoyable for you peeps.  
> -Romolus


	9. Chapter 9

There can only be so much stargazing, when the stars are of plastic and the night sky is are made up by a ceiling in the color blue. Not that the feeling of wonder isn’t there, when you live in a city you start to feel grateful for the stars you get, even if they are glow in the dark stars that you can buy in the kids’ department of shopping markets. When put like that, maybe the stars are not the root of Connor’s wonder. Maybe the root of his wonder is it not found on the night sky but rather in the person laying beside him, with eyes so big and blue, that it feels like starring into a calm ocean. An ocean that sees wonder, life and beauty in plastic stars on the ceiling.

“Let’s close the curtains.” Evan says, not a stutter in sight. The smaller boy gets up and rolls down the curtains, and the room is devoured in darkness. Well not complete darkness. The stars are fighting a mighty battle on the ceiling, keeping the darkness at bay as brave knights of the light.

“Well this certainly made them shine more.”

“Yeah.” Evan mumbles as an answer as he lays down beside Connor on the bed, his arms resting on his chest. Connor bites his lip, wanting to keep the silence that has befallen on them, cause for once there is peace in his mind, no buzzing, no stupid memories of all the times he fucked up, no, it is just quiet. Soon the quietness is no more and is replaced by Evan’s deep breaths, they are even and relaxed. Soon Connor realizes that his own breathing has fallen in sync with Evan’s and he feels more content by the minute.

 

“Well seems like time flew us by.” Connor says, and locks his phone and pocketed it. Evan nods quietly, he is laying on his side, looking at Connor with drowsy eyes. His fingers are playing with the duvet cover under him, his hand close to touching Connors own. So close and yet it feels as if they are a million miles away from each other, or standing on each side of a border, neither knowing if crossing it will start a war, and both too scared to cross it.

“Ca-can we watch the sec-second lord of th-the rings?” Evan asks and pushes himself up in a sitting position.  Connor smirks and pulls his hair up in a loose ponytail.

“Sure, I am up for some fantasy action and movie magic.” He answers, Evan sighs and his face brightens up in a shy smile, barely showing his front teeth. He gets up and signals for Connor to follow him out of the room.

They end up sitting closely on the small couch, their shoulders rubbing up against each other’s, the movie is playing on the tv and Evan is consumed by it, just like he was with the first. Therefore, when the door is opened, Evan doesn’t notice, neither does Connor who is too caught up in observing Evan.

“The fuck?! So that’s what you use your time on? Watching movies with the future school shooter?” They turn around, Evan with wide eyes and Connor with a mean glare, to see non-other than Jared. The boy looks rowdy, with his hair all messed up and his glasses are dirty. He stands with curled fist and a foul scowl.

“Jared, what a-are you do-doing here?” Evan quips his hand taking a hold of Connor’s and squeezing it.

“I am here to check on you, cause thanks to you my parents think we are no longer friends!” Jared says in an accusing voice.

“But you weren’t friends, so what’s the big fuss Kleinman?” Connor sneers.

“Fuss? I ain’t making a fuss. At least not one that is uncalled for. Evan you cannot do this to me.” Jared says and turns his focus on a bewildered Evan.

“Wha-“ Evan doesn’t get to finish.

“I thought you where my friend, but you ignore me for weeks and for what? To hang out with Connor Freak Murphy! What does he give you that I didn’t? Does he fuck you? Do you like fucking a freak you fa-“

“Shut up Kleinman.” Connor says and gets up, standing threateningly before Jared. Evan can feel his hands shaking and suddenly he feels like he is underwater, and everything gets blurred.

“You are fucking him. Huh.” Jared laughs without humor. “You are both a bunch of fagg-“ And then Connor bunches him right in the stomach and Jared falls to the floor with a loud bump.

“Watch your mouth.” Connor jeers.

“he,” Jared huffs and gets up. He turns to look at Evan. “You know, at some point he is gonna get tired of you and then you are all alone, you’ll fall apart, and I definitely won’t be there to pick up the pieces.” And then he leaves, without closing the door behind him, leaving nothing but an angry Connor and a crying Evan in the Livingroom.

“Fucking jerk.” Connor scoffs and turns to Evan, who by now is all red faced and sniffing because of his crying. He breaths heavily, unsure to believe what just took place. Sure, Jared isn’t the sweetest person on planet earth, but he was never mean. Was, cause apparently, he is now. “Hey, it is alright.” Connor says and goes over to Evan and lays a hand on the crying boys shoulder. Evan takes Connor’s hand and tucks at it and Connor bows down so Evan can hug him. And hug him Evan does. At first Connor is stiff with the shaking boy in his embrace, but then he starts rubbing Evan’s back and mumbles comforting words.

“Please, do-don’t leave.” Evan sobs.

“Hey, hey hobbit, I am here now,” Connor stops and takes a deep breath. “And I won’t leave you alone, not today and not tomorrow, heck, you’ll probably never get rid of me.”

“Pro-promise?”

“I Promise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, sorry about the late update. I cannot say much, but thanks for the kudos and the sweet comments, it makes my day a whole lot brighter to see that I am able to create something that others enjoy. Also thanks for reading this chapter and I hope it was worth the wait for you. Also next chapter is ten so I was thinking that I would take up requests for what you guys would like to be Evan and Connors date that will happen in chapter 15. Commment or message me your request if you got any in mind.  
> -Romolus


	10. Chapter 10

A bed plus too teenage boys on a summer night almost always equals in sweat and an excruciating heat, but fortunately for Connor and Evan, the latter boy is a walking freezer that almost never sweats, which results in them being a pile of tangled limps when Heidi Hansen gets home and quietly closes the door to Evan’s room, a fond smile playing on her lips. Connor holding Evan to his chest, comfortable with having a cool body against his own, shielding him from the warmth that otherwise would have kept him awake. Evan on the other hand is more than happy with for once not feeling cold, like he usually is no matter how many layers he puts on.

The actions that led to them laying cuddled up, fast asleep on Evan’s bed, was that after Jared interrupting their movie and leaving a distressed Evan as well as a pissed off Connor behind, Connor had promised not to leave, and he intended to keep that promise. So, after that ordeal, he had written a quick text to Cynthia Murphy, his so-called mother, and explained that he was sleeping over at a friend’s place, in an attempt, to avoid her worry. Not that he believes that it would help, she and everyone else in the Murphy household probably believed he was out getting stoned somewhere.

After Evan had calmed they had laid down on the bed, Connor in his boxers and t-shirt and Evan in his nightclothes that was made up by a gray t-shirt and a pair of jogging pants. They had fallen asleep not long after.

Connor woke up at 07:00, laying on his back, with Evan resting sprawled on him, the blond boy’s head on his chest, with the mouth slightly open. Cute, Connor thinks and smiles. He starts to gently run his hand through Evans short mop of blond hair, the sleeping boy sighs and seemed to enjoy it. They lay there for what feels like a split second but, in reality it is three hours, and they would probably have rested longer, if Evan’s mom did not call from downstairs, that breakfast is on the table and that she will be leaving now.

Evan slowly pushes himself up from Connors chest and stretches his arms in the air with a yawn escaping his mouth. His eyes are still heavy with sleep and it almost seemed like he would drop down on the bed again. Connor sits up beside him and lays his head on the smaller boy’s shoulder.

“Good morning Ev” Connor mumbles.

“Mo-morning.” Evan says with his eyes closed and his mind absent. Connor decides to be the upper man and gets up, he pulls Evan with him up, and at this point Evan resembles an impotence zombie, that would fall over any second.   Connor takes Evan’s hand and starts dragging him downstairs, and Evan finally seems awake when they stand in the empty kitchen, where some buns and orange juice have been placed on the table.

“Mom must have already left?” Evan says slowly and sits down, Connor does the same. The buns are a bit dry, but Connor does not mind, he just drinks some orange juice and then he barely notices the dryness. Evan breaks small bites off the bun before eating them, he is resting his head on his hand.

“what are you thinking?” Connor asks munching down his second bun. Evan shrugs and drinks some juice.

“No-nothing really.” He says and looks down on the table.

“oh really? You just looked so thoughtful.” Connor quirks an eyebrow, smirking slightly at sight of Evan’s flushing cheeks.

“Y-you stayed.” Evan mutters, and looks straight at Connor, that leans back in his chair.

“Of course, I did promise to stay after all.”

“Tha-thanks.” Evan says and smiles gently, he eats the last piece of his bun and then proceeds to sip on his juice, his eyes shining with delight.

“So, what are the plan for today?” Connor asks, pulling his hair up in a ponytail. Evan places his glass back on the table.

“Uhm, I don-don’t know, what do yo-you feel like do-doing?” Evan answers.

“Hm, we could finish watching Two towers.” Connor says and takes his and Evans plates to the sink.

“Let’s d-do that then.” Evan gets up and somehow, he manages to fall over himself, cause suddenly Connor hears a small yelp from behind and he turns to see Evan laying flat on the kitchen floor.

“You okay?” Connor asks and is quickly by Evan’s side helping him up again.

“Yeah, I a-am fine, tha-thanks.” Evan assures Connor, nodding quickly.

“Should have called it, you seem clumsier in the morning than you are normally.” Connor grins and Evan laughs lightly as they both get into the living room to continue the movie.

 

Its past four in the afternoon when Connor stands at his car door, one foot already inside it. Evan is rubbing the upper part of his left arm that isn’t in cast. They are starring at each other, not sure what to say or how to formulate what words they want to utter. Connor is about to try but is interrupted by Evan gradually making his way over and taking Connor’s hand in his own. Big blue eyes look up at Connor, a small smile is playing on Evan’s lips, and two small dimples becomes visible.

“It was ni-nice having you ov-over.” Evan states and strokes Connors hand with his thumb, his face is tinted red.

“It was nice being here.” Connor says, and for once in his life he feels like the words coming out of his mouth speaks the truth. Connor pulls Evan into a hug and Evan almost instantly relaxes and hugs back. Connors heart is beating loudly in his chest, or he is almost certain its his heart that he can hear, but he could be mistaken, since him and Evan are holding each other so close that its almost impossible to tell whose heart is beating when.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go. Ten chapters in and I cannot deny that I am immensely proud of the chapters written so far. It will be possible to write request to me about Connor and Evan's date until chapter 14. Thanks for reading this chapter.  
> -Romolus


	11. Chapter 11

As Connor lays in his bed, looking up at the ceiling above, he relives the hug from yesterday. How he held Evan, and for the first time in a long time, he felt scared, well, maybe anxious is a better word to describe the feeling he felt. But at the same time he had felt a rush of happiness that he hadn't experinced before. Even now, a day after it happened, he could still make himself smile by the tought of Evan hugging him. It's banal, he knows, but non the less true.   
He turns to his side and squezzes his pillow between his arms, smiling to himself. It's funny, he doesn't feel agitated like he normally would, here late at night. There is a sense of content. Connor cannot do anything else but hope that this feeling will stay. Because now that he has felt it, he doesn't know what he'll do without it.

***

It's monday. Which in itself is probably a day dreaded worldwide by most. Connor is no different, or he was no different, but now he is walking to school genuenly happy, yeah, he wouldn't have seen that one coming either. The worlds biggest dissapointment, Connor Murphy, is for once looking forward to going to school, and non the less on a monday morning. Why was he so happy? Well, he had survived the weekend, by the thought of seeing Evan again, in school and maybe get the other boy to skip the last lesson today with him. He walks into the schools hallway and gets to Evan's locker, where the blond boy is collecting his school books for the first lesson.

“Hey Ev.” Connor says and sticks his hands into his hoodie's pockets. Evan, who hadn't noticed him prior to the greeting, almost drops the textbook in his hand, Connor catches it and says, “Sorry.” with a slight chuckel. Evan sighs and smiles.

“It is okay,” he turns to Connor after having stuffed his textbook into the backpack. “So h-how was your weekend?” Connor shrugs.

“Like usual. My parents being annoying and all that, but at least I had a door to slam in their face.”

“Oh.” Evan says and looks down. Connor sighs and shakes his head.

“How about you?”

“Uhm, my weekend wa-was alright, I just read some books really.” Evan answers looking fleetingly up at Connor and back to the floor.

“Reading, well that sounds like fun,” Connor replies quietly, “So wanna go to class?” Evan looks up and smiles, he gives a small nod and together they go to class. Evan starts talking about the book he has been reading, and Connor forgets to listen, due to being distracted by Evan's voice, which is a bit contradicting. But Connor thinks that anyone would get lost in the sound of Evan's voice as he talks passionally. It is only natural, he believes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here is a short chapter. I am trying to getting into the habit of writing regularly again. I am sorry for the long hiatus, and I hope you all enjoy this chapter and there is longer chapters to come I promise. Thanks for reading and I hope you all have a nice day.  
> \- Romolus.


	12. Chapter 12

It’s Tuesday evening, one of the few evenings where Heidi Hansen isn’t working and is therefore home to enjoy a meal with her son and for once hear how life is going. Sure she can talk to him some mornings, but those talks are rushed and often feels like nothing but fodder to endless problems that they never get to resolve. Therefore, Tuesday dinners have become a sacred thing in the small family, at least to Heidi. For Evan it’s more of a weekly interrogation that he dreads. His mom is one of the few people Evan would do anything for, but he is tired. Exhausted even, of all the ‘Good talks’ his mom insists on having every Tuesday. Evan knows his mom has good intentions, and she does so many great things for him, but he doesn’t enjoy these so called ‘Good talks’. Although at this point, they feel like an inevitable force, that he has to survive.

“So, how is school going?” Heidi asks as she sets the lasagna on the table and sits down at their dinner table.

“Uhm, it’s going well.” He says while looking down.

“That’s good to hear,” Heidi smiles and pours some lasagna onto Evan’s plate. “I have noticed that you’ve had a guest over a few times now, that isn’t Jared. Is they a friend or?” Heidi asks. Evan quickly looks up, his fork hovering over his plate.

“He is a friend,” Evan replies. “A great friend.” He adds softly, mostly to himself.

“Evan that is amazing!” Heidi beams, “I’m glad to see you’re starting to branch out, what is your friend’s name?”

“Connor.” Evan says looks smiling back at his mother.

“Connor,” Heidi repeats. “oh! So he is the one that has signed your cast?”

“yeah,” Evan sighs, Connor signed it, and he was the only one who has, it is both endearing and sad if Evan is honest with himself.

“Maybe you should invite him over next Tuesday for dinner?” Heidi suggests and takes a bite of her portion of lasagna.

“y-you are sure that’s alright?” Evan asks without thinking.

“Of course, why wouldn’t it?” Heidi replies taking a sib of her water. Oh I don’t know, maybe because you usually want to talk about my failing mental health but sure why wouldn’t it be alright to invite Connor over for that, then maybe he could hear from my mom how much of a failure I am, Evan thinks.

“I-i don’t know.” Evan mumbles.

“Maybe Jared would come over as well, I haven’t seen that much lately.” Heidi remarks.

“No.” Evan says stabbing his fork into the lasagna.

“No?”

“I m-mean, Jared is busy lately. With assignments for his classes. I don’t think he has time.”

“Well ask him anyway, just to be safe.”

“I w-will.”

“Promise?”

“Pr-promise.” As Evan answers he feels a knot being tied in his stomach.

*

 **To Connor send at 20:04 :** Hello Connor, my mom wants me to invite over for dinner next Tuesday. Do you wanna come?

 **To Connor send at 20:05 :** I mean, I also want you over, not just because my mom wants you here. But like yeah, uhm. Do you wanna come?

 **To Evan send at 20:10 :** Sure, sounds nice Ev.

 **To Connor send at 20:11 :** Great! I am looking forward to it. See you tomorrow!

 **To Evan send at 20:15 :** Likewise Ev, see ya tomorrow.

*

Evan is pulled to the side when he walks out from the classroom after having chemistry. Unable to focus for a second, he doesn’t recognize Zoe Murphy right away. He is too busy breathing in and out in a quick pace.  

“You okay?” Zoe asks and lays a comforting hand on Evan’s shoulder.

“Pl-please do-n’t touch me.” He stutters and waves her hand away. She lets her hand fall to her side and looks down.

“Sorry,” she says. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“I-it’s okay.” Evan reassures her without looking her in the eyes and rubs his arm. It gets quiet inbetween them, which is awkward to say the least. Thankfully the people around them are too busy walking to class to notice the two teens standing in silence.

“Uhm, I kinda have to talk to you,” she looks around quickly. “mind if we go somewhere quieter? Like the library?”

“Uh- I was actu- uhm, sure.” Evan says, and then he follows Zoe down the hallway to the library.

Once they are in the library, Zoe quickly finds a remote corner where they can talk in peace. Evan has steadily started to fidget more and more, looking up like a deer in headlights at every sudden sound.

“You shouldn’t hang out with my brother. It won’t end well.” Zoe exclaims and manages to catch Evan’s gaze.

“Wha- what?” Evan stops fidgeting.

“He has mental problems, he is gonna end up hurting you. Evan I have seen you, you’re a shaking leaf half of the time, he will ruin you.”

“Excuse me?” Evan says and takes a step back, shaking his head. “I th-think I can make de-decisions about who I a-am friends with and wh-who I am not, witho-out your help, thank you.” Evan sighs and starts to walk away, his breathing getting harder.

“Evan! Wait Evan.” Zoe grabs his good arm and makes him turn around. “You don’t get it. Connor is not good for anyone. You don’t know him like I.” She seethes. Evan rips his arm out of her grip. He takes some deep breaths.

“I-i think I know him al-alright and whatever pro-problem you have with him, you can ta-talk out with him.” Evan quickly looks around before leaving Zoe and the library behind in a haste. His hand is shaking, and he cannot get out quickly enough.

*

Evan is sitting up against the wall outside of the school, clutching his phone in his hand. Debating wherever he should write and tell his mom, that he is going home, or go back inside for the last lesson. He knows that no matter what he’ll do, he’ll end up feeling shit.

He looks down on his phone’s screen, reading the sorry excuse for a contact list, there is only 4 numbers. His mom’s, Jared’s, his therapist’s and Connor’s. Evan’s eyes gets blurred, and tears starts to fall. Four numbers, two of which is not even people he considers close. Only two numbers where the people, hopefully, likes him and not because they’re obligated to it, due to their parents or job. How fucking sad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah, here is the next chapter. I am already working on the next and I will try to keep the chapters coming regularly. Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed this chapter.  
> -Romolus


	13. chapter 13

“So, this is where the hobbit is hiding.” Connor says and sits down besides Evan. With a quick hand, Evan dries his eyes with his hand.

“Y-eah.”

“Rough day?” Connor asks and looks away from Evan, giving the other boy space.

“I su-supose.” Evan sniffs and hugs his knees, his cheeks have gotten itchy due to the exposure to tears full of salt. Connor turns to him before looking down.

“So, uhm.” Connor messes a bit with his hair. “You wanna finish watching the lord of the rings trilogy?”  Connor asks and scoots a bit closer to Evan. “It doesn’t have to be today, it could be tomorrow or whatever.” He adds. Evan nods slowly.

“Tha-that sounds ni-nice.” He sniffs again, but a tender smile paints his face. Connor chuckles lightly.

“Great, then we can soon start on watching the Hobbit movies.”

“Those movies exist?” Evan asks, finally turning around to look at Connor.

“Yeah, they exist, they are about how Frodo’s uncle Bilbo, found the ring as well as helped some dwarfs getting their home back from a dragon. They are alright movies, although I do think the book is better.” Connor says with a shoulder shrug.

“Wait, wait. So the-there is one book, b-but more m-movies?”

“Yup, a bit of a money grab from the studio to be honest, like stretching one book out on three movies? That is a bit too much, but the movies are still enjoyable, despite there being a hell of a lot of filler content that isn’t extremely relevant to the plot.”

“oh, well,” Evan rearrange so he sits cross-legged. “As long as they are enter-entertaining, then I su-supose it is all go-good. Right?”

“Right.” Connor agrees with a beaming smile and stands up. He dusts off his pants quickly and then extends his hand for Evan to take.

*

Evan ended up in the front seat of Connor’s car, skipping the last lessons of the school. He couldn’t write to his mom about it, in fear of her being disappointed in him. Although he knew himself that he wouldn’t have been able to go back into class with puffy red eyes, especially since he shared the next lessons with Zoe, and he didn’t exactly want her to know that he had cried after their conversation.

He is internally grateful that Connor hadn’t pressured him to explain why he had been crying. Because, how do you tell your only friend that his sister think he is a psycho and that you shouldn’t spend time with him? Evan can’t imagine a conversation like that could be anything but a mess. He looks out of the window, internally naming every tree that they pass, so far there had been mostly Red maples to see and a few Quaking aspens. Soft tunes are playing from the radio, not one song has Evan recognized yet, but he doesn’t mind, the music is relaxing non the less and Connor is nodding his head slightly to the rhythm of each song, so Evan suppose he likes it as well. His hair looks shiny and soft, even though part of it is tied up in a small bun. A thing Evan has noticed after driving with Connor a few times is that the taller boy often bites his lower lip when driving. It’s cute, Evan thinks. It makes Connor look less like a silhouette of the person Evan had thought him to be because of what people had said and more like the friend Evan had come to love and spend so much of his free time with.

“Why are we stop-stopping here?” Evan asks as Connor parks the car. Connor Takes the elastic band out of his hair.

“Well, I thought that you should try that pistachio ice cream.”

“Connor.” Evan sighs and smiles slightly.

“What?” Connor laughs. “Ice cream is the best after a rough day.”

“Nothing.” Evan says, but he can’t stop smiling. They get out of the car, the sun is standing high and it momentarily blinds Evan, he takes up his arm to shield his eyes.

“Even if you hadn’t had a rough day, it would literally be offensive not to eat ice cream now that the sun above has blessed us with its presence for once.” Connor says and takes Evan’s arm and drags the boy with him to the shop.

“Yo-you seem q-quite happy.”

“Well, I took my meds for once, so I guess they have helped.”

“M-meds?”

“Yeah, I got ADHD, my meds help me with my energy levels so when I take them, I don’t feel as tired.”

They get their ice cream and sit outside at the bench. Connor got a strawberry scoop and Evan got the pistachio one. Evan groans at the taste of the ice cream, it is so good.

“Seems like we found the ice cream for you Ev.” Connor says and takes some of his own ice cream. Evan blushes at the nickname.

“Y-yeah. I gu-guess.” He chuckles lightly and takes some more.

“I had forgotten that strawberry ice cream tastes this good. Damn it’s better than weed.”

“Weed?”

“uh, yeah. I smoked some before I started getting my meds, it helped me calm down.”

“oh, well t-that makes sense.” Evan says and looks down at his ice cream. “I don’t get how you ever thought a plant was better than ice cream though.”   
“You wound me Ev. I’m very very much wounded.” Connor says sarcastically and leans up against Evan.

It is as if time has stopped, Evan can feel his heart beat faster than ever before and he is suddenly extremely aware of the noise of him swallowing. He can feel the Connor vibrating from laughing and it makes Evan’s checks light up like fireworks. He can barely take his eyes of Connor, but he forces himself to it. Not wanting to be caught staring. Do friends stare at each other? Why does Connor’s laugh make him feel like this? Is it normal? Evan sure as hell doesn’t know.


	14. 14

The first day of October is approaching, and it sets the reminder that it is soon over a month since Evan has had a friendly conversation with Jared. Evan hasn’t talked to his ‘childhood friend’ who he has known for as long as he remembers. He turns onto his side and grabs his phone from his night stand. Despite their recent fallout, Evan cannot help but feel a loss, he misses Jared, he misses his constant bad jokes and loud presence. Maybe he should send Jared a message. Just a short one, to show that Evan still wants their friendship to work.

The message Evan starts writing, ends up a mess and gets deleted in the end. In its stead a simple message consisting of just the greeting, hello, gets send. Evan hopes that Jared will answer him quickly, but at the same time Evan wonders how Jared will react. Evan’s hands get shaky as he puts away his phone.

The room is dark, although slightly illuminated by the stars on his ceiling, which normally would be comforting, but for some reason he wants it dark, black as an unruly sea that would be able swallow him up. Then at least he wouldn’t have to deal with aftermath of the hello he had just send to Jared. But there is no sea, only him alone in this little blue room.

 

“You look tired.” Heidi says and turns on the kettle. Evan shrugs and sits down at the table.

“I d-didn’t sleep well.” He pours a handful of oats into his bowl and adds some milk. Heidi stares a little longer at him but then turns and makes their tea. She then sits down at the table and gives Evan one of the cups.

“It’s herbal mint tea, no caffeine.” Heidi smiles and reaches out and caress Evan’s hand, that is still in a cast. “So, we’re are gonna get that monstrosity off in two weeks, huh? Pretty neat.” Heidi smiles while looking at the cast. Evan nods, he blows lightly on the tea and takes a small sip.

“Yeah, it’s gonna be-be nice to use my arm a-again.” Evan sighs.

“It is certainly gonna make things easier for you.” Heidi looks up at the clock before getting up and pours some cold water into her tea, which she then gulps down.

“Are you gonna be home tonight?” Evan asks looking up at Heidi.

“Evan, sweetie, I uhm.” Heidi lays a hand on his shoulder. “I won’t, can you message Jared and have him over? Or maybe that new friend of yours. Connor, right?” Evan nods. “I’m still looking forward to be seeing him next Tuesday. Must be some of a guy to make you smile like that.”

“I am not smiling.” Evan says frowning a little.

“Well not now, no you aren’t, but I remember you getting home yesterday smiling, and correct me if I’m wrong but you had been hanging out with that Connor.” Heidi teases and goes out to the front door and starts getting ready. Evan looks down at Connor’s messy handwriting on his cast. Well no wonder he had been smiling, Connor is… Connor.

“Have a good day at school sweetie.” Heidi yells and slams the door.

 

“Sure, I’d love to come over, then you could also help me with biology,” Connor says and takes a bite of his sandwich. “Mhhh, these are so fucking good.” He moans, and Evan shakes his head smiling. They’re sitting under some trees that aren’t far from the school’s football field. It’s quiet here, not as many people wanna sit here now that the weather is starting to get cooler and wet. But it’s quiet, and that is what’s most important to them both.

“Gre-great.”

“Hey then we could also watch Return of the king.” Connor exclaims.

“Sure, but I do-don’t have the mo-movie.”

“No problem, we’ll just swing by my place and get it.”

 

Turns out that it wasn’t, no problem, like Connor had put it. Evan is sitting in Connor’s car listening to the yells coming from inside the house, one of the yelling voices is Connor, but Evan doesn’t know the other voice. It sounds like a man, gruff and demanding. The yelling has been going on for a while now, maybe it will stop soon, Evan thinks, but doubts it. He puts his knees up to his chest and tries to drown out the yelling, it feels like a private thing, like you don’t yell at your parent because you want others to hear, or maybe you do, Evan doesn’t know.

“Fucking dipshit.” Connor curses and quickly slams the car door and turns on the engine. Out from the house storms a man out, furiously red in the face and scowling.

“CONNOR! Get back here! You can’t keep pushing this off!” He roars, and Connor flips him off and drives away.

They don’t drive for long before Connor parks the car on the sideway of the road. He slams down on the steering wheel and keeps slamming down on it harder and harder.

“FUCK! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKING HELL.” He grabs his hair and screams, and then it gets quiet. Evan hesitantly reaches out and lays a hand on Connors shoulder. He says nothing, in fear that Connor might explode once again. Connor’s shoulders starts to shake and broken sobs starts to emit from the boy. Evan at loss, starts rubbing his hand in circles on the Connor’s back.

“Do you ne-need to t-talk about it?” Evan asks and finds some paper tissues in his back and gives some to Connor. Connor shakes his head and takes the tissues. He dries his eyes and nose.

“Can I…” Connor trails off looking down at his hands.

“What?”

“Can we just go back to your place.” Connor looks up at Evan, his eyes are red and he doesn’t hold eye contact for long, his gaze flickering between Evan and the steering wheel.

“Su-sure. Of co-course.”

“Also… uhm can I hug you...?”

“Of course.” Evan says and moves around so he can more easily embrace Connor. The other boy is hesitant to move closer to Evan, but once he is close enough, he lets himself fall into Evan’s open arms and once again starts to cry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading this chapter and sorry about the late update. Next chapter will be uploaded as soon as I get time to write more.  
> -Romolus


	15. 15

Connor’s cheeks where red and glistering wet due to the tears that had run down his face, minutes prior to the them, Connor and Evan, sitting outside Evan’s house on the doorstep, Connor with a mug of coffee and Evan with a cup of tea. Connor dries his face in his hoodie’s sleeve and snorts. Evan sits down his cup and lays his hand on Connor shoulder. Connor turns to him and Evan gives him a gentle smile. Connor mirrors Evan’s smile, and turns to take a sip of his coffee, and for a brief moment he closes his eyes.

“Sorry. We were supposed to finish watching the lord of the rings.” Connor says. Evan shrugs.

“I th-think, that we’ll survive waiting, a-a day more.”

“Yeah, probably. Frodo just gotta hang in there.”

“Well, he is-isn’t alone. He got Sam.”

“Thank fucking hell for that, Sam deserves a price for all the shit he puts up with throughout the movies.”

“Ye-yeah.”

“Like he isn’t an adventurous hobbit. Heck he just wants a normal hobbit life and be with the girl he loves, but he puts his dream in jeopardy because he wants to help his friend. If that isn’t true love, then I don’t know what is.” Connor rants, and Evan nods in agreement, although he didn’t listen closely, instead he was focused on the gleam of excitement in Connor’s eye and the genuine smile on the other boys face as he talked.

“Also, Frodo wouldn’t have survived without Sam.”

“Connor, spo-spoilers.”

“Shit sorry, I wont spoil shit. But We need to watch the las one soon, because I don’t know how long I can keep my mouth shut.”

“Well, i-it’s only five in the aft-afternoon, so w-we could go watch it?”

And that is what they did. They cramped up together on the little green couch in the living room and start the movie. Evan is leaning his back up against Connor’s chest and feeling the rise and fall of Connor’s breathing. The movie is exciting, and Evan is consumed by the action taking place on the screen, but Connor is more or less distracted by the boy laying up against him. He wants to put his arms around Evan and hold him. But he refrains from doing so. He gazes down on Evan’s face and smiles at the sight. Evan’s mouth is slightly agape, and his eyes are wide open. Why is he like this, Connor thinks, so full of wonder and just cute, yeah cute that is the word. Cute is the perfect word to describe the boy who enjoys looking at trees and loves looking at stars that fill his ceiling. Cute describes the boy in light blue t-shirts and blond hair, who always is there with a silent smile and a cup of warm beverage for when you’re sad. Cute, seems fitting for on Evan Hansen. But in Connor’s black and white world, can a pastel colored boy fit in?

The movie ends and Evan has draped a blanket over them at some point doing the movie, so they are both feeling warm, which is the excuse Connor uses for why his face is red, although he suspects that Evan doesn’t believe that. But bless the blue dressed boy, because he does not question Connor’s explanation. Evan sighs and crosses his arms over his chest.

“So yeah, yo-you’re were right. Frodo wouldn’t have survived at all without Sam.”

“yessss, Evan, come to Team Sam.” Connor laughs.

“Haha,” Evan smiles so wide his eyes squint. “Sam is the de-definition of self-sacrificing friend.”

“He is the best there is…” Connor agrees and puts his hair up in a bun. Evan stares at him but quickly looks away with red cheeks when Connor looks at him.

“You know, yo-you’re always welcome here, right?” Evan says and plays with the blanket between his fingers. Connor freezes up and looks with wide eyes at Evan. He tries to form the words that is on the tip of his tongue, but nothing comes out, except sounds of broken up sentences that doesn’t make any sense.

“You don’t have to say any-anything. I just wanted you to know, th-that if you ever need to just… disappear, then come he-here. There is ro-room in this big house.”

“Ev-“

“I me-mean it. Even i-if you ne-need to yell and scream. Come here.” Evan turns around so he is sitting, and he takes Connor’s hand in his. “Yo-you’re always welcome here.”

“Thank you.” Connor breaths out, his hands are shaking but he is smiling as his eyes gets wet.

“Ca-can I hug you now?” Connor nods and Evan falls into his arms and lets his tears fall. “You’re important, so important.” Evan mumbles over and over.

After sitting in the living room, and crying they go up to Evan’s room. The room is dark but clean as always, and the plastic stars are shining down on them as they lay down on the bed. Evan is hugging Connor with all his might, not seeming willing to ever let go. Not that Connor mind.

“You know, we should one day go out and look at the real thing.” Connor mumbles, Evan nods.

“Yeah, but it-it’s cold outside.”

“Don’t tell me that the great outdoors man Evan Hansen is scared of the cold?”

“I’m not. B-but we would have to bring blankets.”

“Well blankets sound like a good idea, maybe some coffee as well.”

“You drink too much of it.”

“You can never drink too much coffee.”

“That is not true.” Evan yawns and the conversation falls into silence and soon Evan falls asleep, and Connor leans down and whispers.

“I love you.” Of course, he doesn’t get a response but that is fine, he doesn’t deserve a response if he doesn’t have the bravery to utter those words out loud when Evan is awake. Evan mumbles sounds and half formed words as he sleeps and for hours Connor just lays and listens until he himself falls into a peaceful slumber. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update. I am trying my best to write more. But this is not my only project and I only got so much time. Thank you all for the sweet comments, it makes my day to see that you enjoy the story. I hope this chapter is enjoyable as well.  
> -Romolus


	16. Chapter 16

He wakes up to Evan sleeping against his chest, his own arms are holding Evan in a loose embrace and their legs are a tangled mess. Connor leans down and smells Evan’s hair, it smells like vanilla shampoo, sickly sweet but awfully fitting. Clean, sweet and all Evan. All Evan…

The sun is shining through where the curtains don’t block it out and the light beams are shining down on the sleeping Evan, illuminating him in a godlike light. It blinds Connor and he squints his eyes, he entertains the thought of turning away from the light but doesn’t get up, since he is already extremely aware of his own breathing. He is afraid that the rise of his chest would wake the other boy and destroy this moment that they are sharing. He looks away from Evan, embarrassed of having stared so long at the other, but now instead of being captured by Evan’s looks, he falls into a trance by the sound of Evan’s breathing, which is more consistent than Connor has ever heard it. It might have something to do with Evan’s anxiety but Connor feels blessed and, in some way, honored to be able to see Evan like this. So calm and content. It’s like seeing an alternative version of Evan, one that is without all the anxiety and self-doubt.

Evan mumbles something incoherent and snuggles closer to Connor, and as a result Connor’s face gets flustered and his heart picks up a quick pace for a minute or two.

“Ev-“ he starts to say something, but the words get stuck in his throat. Be it that he is too selfish to wake Evan up and ruin the peaceful sight, or him being considerate and not wanting to embarrass the other boy, Connor doesn’t know, well he thinks it’s most likely the first. Connor and considerate just doesn’t mix.

“Connor?” Evan says slurred, and looks up at the taller boy, his eyes half open and it doesn’t seem like he is completely there.

“Yeah.” Connor gulps, and tries to keep his gaze away from Evan, which he inevitably fails at. There they lay, Connor wide awake and Evan still half sleeping. One erratic and anxious, while the other is calm and content, and it seems that for a second their outside exterior has been switched.

“We should get up.” Evan lays his head closer to Connor’s chest. Not really acting on his statement. “You smell of smoke.” For a second Connor feels the rage build up inside but he quickly deflates as Evan follows up with saying. “It’s a nice smell.”

Evan shouldn’t say that, no, he should have berated Connor on how unhealthy it is and of how Connor is an idiot for ruining his lungs by smoking, he should tell him he is killing himself. Just like everyone else says. But he Evan doesn’t.

Connor sniffs and hugs Evan tightly, he starts to sob and he doesn’t stop. The tears keep coming and he ends up weeping into Evan’s shoulder. Evan is fully awake, and starts to rub Connor’s back with his right hand, while whispering comforting words.

“Sorry.” Connor says after awhile and retracts himself from Evan, he sits up in the bed and goes to dry his eyes with his hoodie’s sleeve. But Evan stops him, by taking the paper tissues from the nightstand on giving them to Connor.

“There could be all kinds of dust on that sleeve. Y-you shouldn’t ru-rub your eyes in it.”

Connor stares stunned at the tissues given to him, but takes them and dries his eyes.

“Thanks… Ev.”

“No problem…” Evan sits up beside him and quietly leans up against Connor, resting his head on the other boy. “Do you wa-want to talk about it?”

“Talk about what?”

“I… I don’t kn-know, maybe why you cried?”

Connor looks down at his black socks and doesn’t answer Evan.

“I me-mean you don’t have to. M-my mom usually talks with me a-about why I cried after I have, you k-know, cried.” Evan shrugs. “So I th-thought may-“

“I was surprised.” Connor turns to Evan and looks him directly in the eyes. “I was surprised that you keep treating me like an equal and not like some child that needs to be lectured because they are dumb and don’t understand basic fucking shit.” He looks down, “So, yeah… I cried because I was surprised.”

“Thank you for telling me,” Evan takes Connor’s hand in his. “but of course I t-treat you like an e-equal… you are my equal.”

“Doesn’t always feel like that.” Connor mumbles and squeezes Evan’s hand.

“May-maybe not, but lucky for you, I am he-here to remind you.”

“hmm.” Connor hums and strokes his thumb over the back of Evan’s hand. “We should get up.”

“Yeah, pr-probably.”

“I don’t want to.”

“Me ne-neither.”

“Wanna lay back again?”

“Yeah.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, I hope you enjoyed the chapter and thank you to you all that has given kudos and left a sweet comment. It makes me happy to see that there are people who enjoy this fanfic. Now I wanna apologies for the slow updates, I am doing my best but stress and other factors from my privat life has stunned my writting process. I will from now on update every monday, the chapters will be longer and vary in lengths. I hope you all are alright with that.   
> -Romolus

**Author's Note:**

> This is one of my first attempts at writing a longer love story, so it is a challenge. I will try and update daily. I hope you enjoyed the first chapter and thanks for reading.  
> -Romolus


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